Too Easy

So your girl was canned, laid off, paid the piper, sliced, pink slipped... It was last Friday and quite frankly I am on top of the world. There was that initial feeling of, "wow, no job" and "wow, no money" and "wow, lots of bills", but I have not felt so free and at peace.

I don't have thoughts. There are no astute ideas to "get me through this tough time". I recognize who God is. I sense that it all is shaping up nicely.

I have 'Belles' to keep me active and Barack just earned his vote from me as my first check should come just in time to help me breathe. I'm OK. I'm secure. Everything I need will be.

I am going out tonight with friends. I will work on the 'ol resume. I may teach a kid or two and I'll enjoy my holiday. The world did not end and my soul feels at home.

He Looked Up At Me

I was on the 4/5 this morning. It is a beautiful Fall day and the holidays are near. I could not for the life of me get a seat today. I typically do not care... that is a lie, I do care. I want the men to stand up immediately when a woman, pregnant or not, gets up and gives me their seat. DAMN! Be a gentleman... and get up, you see my heals. So today was one of those days. I managed to squeeze in after watching the first train run out of the station, mind you the first was empty. As I peak down the tunnel watching the bright light come near... I get excited.

The bright light is not God girl... relax! Either way, it is that slight anticipation: is that older woman going to jump in front of my spot on the platform? Will I be wrong about where my feet should be in order to get gon first? Maybe I should move up a little. So the 5 stops and I move back to "LET THEM OFF FIRST" and squeeze my way by the young teen who apparently tattooed her name by the door and the tall man whose music is too loud to hear me faintly say excuse me and allow the nice couple to move in because they want to stand by each other.

I end up in front of a curly haired black man. He is good looking, glasses, taffeta colored coat with his iPod touch in left hand. He looks up at me and around to get his surroundings. The train moves. We get to Atlantic and not too many people come in, but that spot by the other door looks so close... and yet... so far! The old woman got it! DAMN! Why didn't I go to the right as oppose to the left like I thought. MENTAL NOTE: always follow your instincts. I digress.

Nevins approaches and I bend my left leg, as the balls of my feet are already hurting me. I accidentally rub against his. I said excuse me, but it was that "excuse me" that you more say to yourself than the person intended. He didn't hear. I did it again, as Borough Hall approaches. At this point, I think, "Self, is he interested?" Now this gentleman is no more interested than any other dude, but my mind was idle and like so many other times before, that is where I went... LOL! Yada Yada Yada... He mouths to me, "Do you want to sit?" As in saying, "Miss... don't hit my knee again, I am not getting up for your fool ass until I am good and ready"... too bad Bowling Green is my stop too.

Night

I am sitting at my desk at work. The night fall is upon us. I have a business meeting after work that I don't want to attend... to bad it's my business. You know what I would love to do? Go home. I love my home and the feeling I get when I walk up my walk up. Even with the heavy breathing and sight of "Bodied".

I saw her yesterday and she made some silly comment about my hair. It's funny. I am a grown woman, who has never and will never get violent, but my ego sometimes chimes in and I want to bash her head into that steel front door. I digress.

The winter approaching is nice. I love the seasons. I don't go outside much though and that can't be good for the soul. It's just by the time I get off, its black outside. Its not a big deal, but damn it I miss June already.
I'm all out of thoughts today and hope to find another job soon. The one I am in is making me insane. I'm so frustrated with being here, but know there is nothing I can do about it. I just have to be with it until God says jump.

The {stuck up} one has a birthday on Saturday. He has been texting and calling lately. I told him on Tuesday that I was not interested in seeing him. Wednesday he said he missed me and today he said he loved me. It is all very sweet. He is an awesome guy. I'm not sure what it is, but how is that men I am possibly interested in are 10 feet away and dudes I don't give a second thought to wants to get on bended knee. Can you get up off the fuckin' floor?

I want to run away from home. What is amusing about this new adventure is I am not running away from anything, except myself. Even more ridiculous, I like who I am... it is the job, business not taking off in a timely manner, the world waiting on Barack to fail, the man of my dreams taking his sweet fucking time... sorry... tangent. I guess it is one of those days that I am feeling a bit... how shall I say... antsy.
SIDE BAR: I love that no matter what in the months and years to come, everyone wants to believe in something greater than themselves and yet it is about who we are being that brings the collective together.

GO BARACK OBAMA + 3

It is 433p on Thursday and I am breathing.

Why I am Voting For Barack Obama by the little black girl

It's cold here in New York today. I am not ready for it, nor am I interested in wrapping my body in "X" amounts of fabric to still have that chill run down my spine. It's grey today. My time of the month is approaching and therefore an urgency of crawling underneath my "daddy" blanket is upon me.

Barack Obama is running for president. As I read all the opinions, watch the experts, see the crowds, view the polls, listen to the commercials, send the reminder texts about voting early, get up at 6am to watch Morning Joe as I throw my half eaten turkey bacon at the TV, pray that others will see past the fear, while I weed through the cynicism and hypocrisy of it all, I am stopped by my decision to vote for Obama. I was on Slate and Salon, no surprise both are backing Obama by in large, and I wondered what this election says about us at this moment. Are we the 1 dimensional conversation about racism, that we bring up when it is convenient? Are we the prejudice bigots that throw around "MUSLIM" as if everyone who believes in a higher power is in fact out to kill or harm you and your kin? Do we all have to see each "issue" in our lives as right or wrong and if we are right what does that do to the ego, except for levitate it? Am I the only one that believes both McCain and Obama are Able to change the world? Yet it is our humanness that pushes us to point the finger... sometimes backward.

I think Palin is out for her own good, but McCain, something tells me deep down that his age is in fact an addition to the PRO column. He seems past the silliness that we sometimes allow to exist in the everyday. He has lived long enough, it seems, that his experiences and expertise would make him not only a formidable candidate, but probably put a few people in place that can make up for his own admittance of economic idiocy and evolve the world slightly to see the US as an equal as oppose to an enemy or a dominance. I know politicians lie, but you can tell his heart is in the right place. The television is a good use for something... it keeps most of the people on it surprisingly transparent. Now, I don't believe in any of his policies, I don't think he realizes what being middle-class is in the 21st century, (THERE ISN'T ONE), really means, and as stated before I think the raising of taxes is necessary, although for the love of God, I wish one of these political savants would state the economics is not all tax. The people who are voting for McCain either believe in his policies or are scared of the unknown. It's your right, by all means...

Me... I like the unknown. Essentially, that is what our life is. We don't control what is coming and can't change what has passed. I can understand why it is hard to embrace, because after all, we crave stability and snark at difference. I like the unknown. Although scary... it strikes me as easier when you go towards the darkness with a friend or 2 behind you, only to find out that there is light inside. With the sake of sounding idealistic, God forbid, we are the light. The unknown is not going to change our lives, no matter how great it sounds. We tend to want change to come from an outside source because after all we'd have someone to blame in the end. However, what if with the unknown what he/she was saying mimicked what you have always thought and came in a package that society always saw as different. By example, the unknown made you feel like the "difference" we have always pointed to is now what will remind us of what we posses.

Far be it for me to change any ones mind, because it's only my dear friends who read my thoughts, but Pamela always says put it out there. I guess I will watch to see how it spreads. Obama is not our savior, nor will he change what we do in the everyday. He is a leader. By definition, a guiding or directing head, as of an army, movement, or political group. If only by his movement with the masses over the last 2 years, Obama has proved this definition. A man that will continue to make disagreeable decisions and tactics, of course, but for a second, (minus the passion, speeches, rhetoric, and words), something speaks to his silence, his candor and intellect, his perseverance, his humanness, and his love for his family. I am struck by his intellect and quiet confidence. For you folks that have never met and gotten to know a black man... that thing you call "arrogance" is a a characteristic that is posed by most black men I know and one of the most attractive qualities. I believe some call it... umm... swagger! I will vote for Barack Obama because yes, that is my "dad" running for President of the United States, but I also believe what has worked is no longer, it seems. Insanity is doing the same thing continuously expecting an alternative result.

If only for a second, we all could embrace the collective that has formed on all fronts behind the need for difference. I wonder if we could, if only for one more moment, put our egos and fears aside and allow our purpose to move forward.

Breathe

I am coasting. I actually do not have much to write about. My mind is clear and my heart is strong. I wish to see my parents more and was so sad to see them go. It is this feeling of what's next. It almost feels like hesitation. My existence in the world has become so wonderful... so great... so fulfilling and yet I want more. The wanting is ego.

The idea, i guess, is to travel... right? To see Pam and Ernest... to visit Seany and Kia. I am just feeling fidgety. Speaking of unmovable acceptance, I have been spending "time" with {the young one} one. I know... don't judge me! Its like he is it, but not it. I am just going to be with it. It is yet another example of a life simple and how I like to shake the globe... damn that snow. It is getting in the way of my "glory".

Is it me or do I use a lot of symbols on this thing. ("") and ({}) and (...)? Ok... I am done.

I really could not complain about shit. I will put out the following for God to toy with in his free time.

1.) Obama must win... and yes it is apart of the society we live in to pay taxes... sons of bitc... never mind! ... fyi I am a small business owner... I am black... and NO I don't think he is our savior.

2.) I desire to meet the life partner... can he come in a 6 foot frame and "keep" me? LMFAO... that was funny!

3.) Dear God, I want at least 3 beautiful little ones running around me.

Amen.

I Find Him So Sexy

Ok, so maybe it's that time. Maybe I am overly hormonal. I did almost weep when I saw my 53rd pregnant woman in 3 days.

What is taking me over the edge is this man. I just took a deep breath. I am almost floored about how I feel when I see him. He is not necessarily gorgeous. He is attractive, but it is not that. The sound of his voice makes my mind wonder. There are some days when I need to hold myself up. The shape of his back turns me to the "good" book, as I quickly turn to Psalm 81:12. I can't seem to focus. That dude could GET IT! I actually don't think we would have anything to say to each other, of substance, except take your panties off. When we do manage to say more than 2 words, it lacks the substance that I would like. If I was tawdry, I'd ask him to take me down in the elevator. What is it about some men? What does it do to a woman's insides? He just said a number to me, but as he did it, he crossed my path... his voice... the "look down at you" glance... his lips. Good God in heaven... at this rate, He is the only one that is moving me through.

I just can't believe it. I never lust, in fact, I don't remember the last time I had a crush. He is not interested in me and he may actually bore me. All I would do is take off his clothes, so essentially there is nothing for me there, but DAMN IT TO HELL... I love him.

That is it... no great message... no deep insights... just a twinge down there to set the weekend off.

I Would Tattoo His Name on My Ass

A certain couple apparently identified their interconnectedness to each other not only through government sanctioned coupledom, but through a ring finger tattoo.

At first glance, some would say this is stupid. AHEM, Pamela. After all, he or she may die, as the worst case scenario and I don't need to explain other opportunities that would lend this concept to be a bit silly.

After further internal exploration, prayer, meditation, and a heart so filled with love I'm floating, I would do it. I don't know... is it me or is that the ultimate sign of "even if you try, I aint divorcing your Black/White/Asian/Eastern Indian/Western Indian/Colombian ass".

I find it romantic. I know, for you realist, it is a little too mushy and idealistic, but as I read it I thought, "Why would I put a permanent symbol of my undying love for someone on my person?" Not to mention, my lustrous dark skin gives the, "Is that an ash mark on your back or a wing" look, with these "symbols". I would do it.

It is much more than a symbol to me. The idea that I contemplated it speaks more to my soul. I am, for all intensive purposes, a consument glass three-quarters of the way full kind of girl, but once more... I dug deeper. I love the connections to people. I adore that Noelani knows my every move before I tell her. I enjoy hearing Pamela go on and on about how no matter what the situation she will tell me how she feels because "she can". To listen to my Gloria's messages about "God coming in his time", when I need to hear it most, puts the smile back in play. This tat on ass thing just brought me back to what makes the most sense... connection, love, we are in this together. I think his first initial on my wrist, or his star sign on the curve of my waist, or his name on the right cheek would be hot shit!

Maybe not hot shit, but it would further give my dreams wings... or at least it will give that impression.

P.S. I gave a half-wave to my man on the street! I know... not my full self, but I am getting there.