Too Easy

So your girl was canned, laid off, paid the piper, sliced, pink slipped... It was last Friday and quite frankly I am on top of the world. There was that initial feeling of, "wow, no job" and "wow, no money" and "wow, lots of bills", but I have not felt so free and at peace.

I don't have thoughts. There are no astute ideas to "get me through this tough time". I recognize who God is. I sense that it all is shaping up nicely.

I have 'Belles' to keep me active and Barack just earned his vote from me as my first check should come just in time to help me breathe. I'm OK. I'm secure. Everything I need will be.

I am going out tonight with friends. I will work on the 'ol resume. I may teach a kid or two and I'll enjoy my holiday. The world did not end and my soul feels at home.

He Looked Up At Me

I was on the 4/5 this morning. It is a beautiful Fall day and the holidays are near. I could not for the life of me get a seat today. I typically do not care... that is a lie, I do care. I want the men to stand up immediately when a woman, pregnant or not, gets up and gives me their seat. DAMN! Be a gentleman... and get up, you see my heals. So today was one of those days. I managed to squeeze in after watching the first train run out of the station, mind you the first was empty. As I peak down the tunnel watching the bright light come near... I get excited.

The bright light is not God girl... relax! Either way, it is that slight anticipation: is that older woman going to jump in front of my spot on the platform? Will I be wrong about where my feet should be in order to get gon first? Maybe I should move up a little. So the 5 stops and I move back to "LET THEM OFF FIRST" and squeeze my way by the young teen who apparently tattooed her name by the door and the tall man whose music is too loud to hear me faintly say excuse me and allow the nice couple to move in because they want to stand by each other.

I end up in front of a curly haired black man. He is good looking, glasses, taffeta colored coat with his iPod touch in left hand. He looks up at me and around to get his surroundings. The train moves. We get to Atlantic and not too many people come in, but that spot by the other door looks so close... and yet... so far! The old woman got it! DAMN! Why didn't I go to the right as oppose to the left like I thought. MENTAL NOTE: always follow your instincts. I digress.

Nevins approaches and I bend my left leg, as the balls of my feet are already hurting me. I accidentally rub against his. I said excuse me, but it was that "excuse me" that you more say to yourself than the person intended. He didn't hear. I did it again, as Borough Hall approaches. At this point, I think, "Self, is he interested?" Now this gentleman is no more interested than any other dude, but my mind was idle and like so many other times before, that is where I went... LOL! Yada Yada Yada... He mouths to me, "Do you want to sit?" As in saying, "Miss... don't hit my knee again, I am not getting up for your fool ass until I am good and ready"... too bad Bowling Green is my stop too.

Night

I am sitting at my desk at work. The night fall is upon us. I have a business meeting after work that I don't want to attend... to bad it's my business. You know what I would love to do? Go home. I love my home and the feeling I get when I walk up my walk up. Even with the heavy breathing and sight of "Bodied".

I saw her yesterday and she made some silly comment about my hair. It's funny. I am a grown woman, who has never and will never get violent, but my ego sometimes chimes in and I want to bash her head into that steel front door. I digress.

The winter approaching is nice. I love the seasons. I don't go outside much though and that can't be good for the soul. It's just by the time I get off, its black outside. Its not a big deal, but damn it I miss June already.
I'm all out of thoughts today and hope to find another job soon. The one I am in is making me insane. I'm so frustrated with being here, but know there is nothing I can do about it. I just have to be with it until God says jump.

The {stuck up} one has a birthday on Saturday. He has been texting and calling lately. I told him on Tuesday that I was not interested in seeing him. Wednesday he said he missed me and today he said he loved me. It is all very sweet. He is an awesome guy. I'm not sure what it is, but how is that men I am possibly interested in are 10 feet away and dudes I don't give a second thought to wants to get on bended knee. Can you get up off the fuckin' floor?

I want to run away from home. What is amusing about this new adventure is I am not running away from anything, except myself. Even more ridiculous, I like who I am... it is the job, business not taking off in a timely manner, the world waiting on Barack to fail, the man of my dreams taking his sweet fucking time... sorry... tangent. I guess it is one of those days that I am feeling a bit... how shall I say... antsy.
SIDE BAR: I love that no matter what in the months and years to come, everyone wants to believe in something greater than themselves and yet it is about who we are being that brings the collective together.

GO BARACK OBAMA + 3

It is 433p on Thursday and I am breathing.

Why I am Voting For Barack Obama by the little black girl

It's cold here in New York today. I am not ready for it, nor am I interested in wrapping my body in "X" amounts of fabric to still have that chill run down my spine. It's grey today. My time of the month is approaching and therefore an urgency of crawling underneath my "daddy" blanket is upon me.

Barack Obama is running for president. As I read all the opinions, watch the experts, see the crowds, view the polls, listen to the commercials, send the reminder texts about voting early, get up at 6am to watch Morning Joe as I throw my half eaten turkey bacon at the TV, pray that others will see past the fear, while I weed through the cynicism and hypocrisy of it all, I am stopped by my decision to vote for Obama. I was on Slate and Salon, no surprise both are backing Obama by in large, and I wondered what this election says about us at this moment. Are we the 1 dimensional conversation about racism, that we bring up when it is convenient? Are we the prejudice bigots that throw around "MUSLIM" as if everyone who believes in a higher power is in fact out to kill or harm you and your kin? Do we all have to see each "issue" in our lives as right or wrong and if we are right what does that do to the ego, except for levitate it? Am I the only one that believes both McCain and Obama are Able to change the world? Yet it is our humanness that pushes us to point the finger... sometimes backward.

I think Palin is out for her own good, but McCain, something tells me deep down that his age is in fact an addition to the PRO column. He seems past the silliness that we sometimes allow to exist in the everyday. He has lived long enough, it seems, that his experiences and expertise would make him not only a formidable candidate, but probably put a few people in place that can make up for his own admittance of economic idiocy and evolve the world slightly to see the US as an equal as oppose to an enemy or a dominance. I know politicians lie, but you can tell his heart is in the right place. The television is a good use for something... it keeps most of the people on it surprisingly transparent. Now, I don't believe in any of his policies, I don't think he realizes what being middle-class is in the 21st century, (THERE ISN'T ONE), really means, and as stated before I think the raising of taxes is necessary, although for the love of God, I wish one of these political savants would state the economics is not all tax. The people who are voting for McCain either believe in his policies or are scared of the unknown. It's your right, by all means...

Me... I like the unknown. Essentially, that is what our life is. We don't control what is coming and can't change what has passed. I can understand why it is hard to embrace, because after all, we crave stability and snark at difference. I like the unknown. Although scary... it strikes me as easier when you go towards the darkness with a friend or 2 behind you, only to find out that there is light inside. With the sake of sounding idealistic, God forbid, we are the light. The unknown is not going to change our lives, no matter how great it sounds. We tend to want change to come from an outside source because after all we'd have someone to blame in the end. However, what if with the unknown what he/she was saying mimicked what you have always thought and came in a package that society always saw as different. By example, the unknown made you feel like the "difference" we have always pointed to is now what will remind us of what we posses.

Far be it for me to change any ones mind, because it's only my dear friends who read my thoughts, but Pamela always says put it out there. I guess I will watch to see how it spreads. Obama is not our savior, nor will he change what we do in the everyday. He is a leader. By definition, a guiding or directing head, as of an army, movement, or political group. If only by his movement with the masses over the last 2 years, Obama has proved this definition. A man that will continue to make disagreeable decisions and tactics, of course, but for a second, (minus the passion, speeches, rhetoric, and words), something speaks to his silence, his candor and intellect, his perseverance, his humanness, and his love for his family. I am struck by his intellect and quiet confidence. For you folks that have never met and gotten to know a black man... that thing you call "arrogance" is a a characteristic that is posed by most black men I know and one of the most attractive qualities. I believe some call it... umm... swagger! I will vote for Barack Obama because yes, that is my "dad" running for President of the United States, but I also believe what has worked is no longer, it seems. Insanity is doing the same thing continuously expecting an alternative result.

If only for a second, we all could embrace the collective that has formed on all fronts behind the need for difference. I wonder if we could, if only for one more moment, put our egos and fears aside and allow our purpose to move forward.

Breathe

I am coasting. I actually do not have much to write about. My mind is clear and my heart is strong. I wish to see my parents more and was so sad to see them go. It is this feeling of what's next. It almost feels like hesitation. My existence in the world has become so wonderful... so great... so fulfilling and yet I want more. The wanting is ego.

The idea, i guess, is to travel... right? To see Pam and Ernest... to visit Seany and Kia. I am just feeling fidgety. Speaking of unmovable acceptance, I have been spending "time" with {the young one} one. I know... don't judge me! Its like he is it, but not it. I am just going to be with it. It is yet another example of a life simple and how I like to shake the globe... damn that snow. It is getting in the way of my "glory".

Is it me or do I use a lot of symbols on this thing. ("") and ({}) and (...)? Ok... I am done.

I really could not complain about shit. I will put out the following for God to toy with in his free time.

1.) Obama must win... and yes it is apart of the society we live in to pay taxes... sons of bitc... never mind! ... fyi I am a small business owner... I am black... and NO I don't think he is our savior.

2.) I desire to meet the life partner... can he come in a 6 foot frame and "keep" me? LMFAO... that was funny!

3.) Dear God, I want at least 3 beautiful little ones running around me.

Amen.

I Find Him So Sexy

Ok, so maybe it's that time. Maybe I am overly hormonal. I did almost weep when I saw my 53rd pregnant woman in 3 days.

What is taking me over the edge is this man. I just took a deep breath. I am almost floored about how I feel when I see him. He is not necessarily gorgeous. He is attractive, but it is not that. The sound of his voice makes my mind wonder. There are some days when I need to hold myself up. The shape of his back turns me to the "good" book, as I quickly turn to Psalm 81:12. I can't seem to focus. That dude could GET IT! I actually don't think we would have anything to say to each other, of substance, except take your panties off. When we do manage to say more than 2 words, it lacks the substance that I would like. If I was tawdry, I'd ask him to take me down in the elevator. What is it about some men? What does it do to a woman's insides? He just said a number to me, but as he did it, he crossed my path... his voice... the "look down at you" glance... his lips. Good God in heaven... at this rate, He is the only one that is moving me through.

I just can't believe it. I never lust, in fact, I don't remember the last time I had a crush. He is not interested in me and he may actually bore me. All I would do is take off his clothes, so essentially there is nothing for me there, but DAMN IT TO HELL... I love him.

That is it... no great message... no deep insights... just a twinge down there to set the weekend off.

I Would Tattoo His Name on My Ass

A certain couple apparently identified their interconnectedness to each other not only through government sanctioned coupledom, but through a ring finger tattoo.

At first glance, some would say this is stupid. AHEM, Pamela. After all, he or she may die, as the worst case scenario and I don't need to explain other opportunities that would lend this concept to be a bit silly.

After further internal exploration, prayer, meditation, and a heart so filled with love I'm floating, I would do it. I don't know... is it me or is that the ultimate sign of "even if you try, I aint divorcing your Black/White/Asian/Eastern Indian/Western Indian/Colombian ass".

I find it romantic. I know, for you realist, it is a little too mushy and idealistic, but as I read it I thought, "Why would I put a permanent symbol of my undying love for someone on my person?" Not to mention, my lustrous dark skin gives the, "Is that an ash mark on your back or a wing" look, with these "symbols". I would do it.

It is much more than a symbol to me. The idea that I contemplated it speaks more to my soul. I am, for all intensive purposes, a consument glass three-quarters of the way full kind of girl, but once more... I dug deeper. I love the connections to people. I adore that Noelani knows my every move before I tell her. I enjoy hearing Pamela go on and on about how no matter what the situation she will tell me how she feels because "she can". To listen to my Gloria's messages about "God coming in his time", when I need to hear it most, puts the smile back in play. This tat on ass thing just brought me back to what makes the most sense... connection, love, we are in this together. I think his first initial on my wrist, or his star sign on the curve of my waist, or his name on the right cheek would be hot shit!

Maybe not hot shit, but it would further give my dreams wings... or at least it will give that impression.

P.S. I gave a half-wave to my man on the street! I know... not my full self, but I am getting there.

My Head Hurts

"I try not to talk to people I have nothing to say to" - Farrah.

I know this makes sense in theory. It is almost not worth saying, but when she said it about the {i am on the fence about that one} one, a light bulb went off. I have a tendency to patronize people who I have little to nothing to say to. I don't like people like that, but feel the need to come up with great conversation pieces just for the hell of it. Why you ask? Because I thought I was a people pleaser. "Let me go out with the {up to my ankles} one, one more time just in case the last 5 times didn't prove to me that the words that we wish were there are not and therefore I don't like him like that."

I want to talk to Noelani and she has been busy. I haven't called her as much as I should I guess. I wanted her to call me.

I am an interesting breed, I know. I've been told on several occasions, that I am quirky. I spent the better part of the first 18 thinking about every minute detail of non-sense.

I have spent the last 3 days recovering from a cold after I left my self susceptible to a cold. I am going to lay down tonight. I am watching SATC, eating Indian, drink a cup of tea and trying not to call any of the men I don't have anything to say to.

Watch one of them nicca's text me some bull shit about "I miss you". I'll delete the text and be sad that it is not a guy I would actually like to see.

Go with me for a sec... to that place where you run home to get ready for the evening out, to the place that feels like you are levitating because the love is oh-so-sweet. Oh....... dear God how I dream of conversation that lasts until wee hours. As I typed those last words, I got a flutter in my stomach because I remembered the last time. I am unsure where he is and some days where I am, but in that moment I dreamed of clear thoughts, open hearts, and satisfaction unspoken.

The Lies "They" Told Me

They said I was pretty.
They said I was smart.
They said I was the one.
They gave permission to leave and a smile upon return.
He said you will be big some day, baby girl.
He said makeup was for white women, while the color of her face mimicked my own.
She had perfect candy apple red nails and he never let me see him smoke.
She never let me cry over spilled milk and he wiped my eyes when it was too strong to contain.
He loved unconditionally, while her love shined through.
She wept and showed loyalty to him as I grew stronger by watching.
He stayed unchanged and integrity full when movement would have been more pleasing.
I watched as the male heir took heart because of who God is in he.
She never let us hit the ground. He forced you up if it happened anyway.
They told me I would change the world, that the God that you are would only let you succeed
...he told me to define success.
They said I would do it with fail.
They pushed me to recognize the blackness while not letting it dictate your steps.
I am the gift that they brought and they are the manifestation of our Higher Power.
They are the love, the push, the deep breath in and the exasperated one out, they are the ones I know.
I am who I am, not because of them, but because they allowed the God in me to run free.

There Once Was a Girl

There once was a girl. The girl met a man. The woman was in love. "I found him", she'd say. "This is it", she'd yell. "I'm loosing it", she'd convey. They saw each other each day. She'd go in the night to make sure he was OK. "I knew love would find me". "I could feel him near and now he is here". He was strong and that excited her. He was smart and that intrigued her. His interest in her being overjoyed her. The pictures they took moved her. Noelani wanted to marry him for God-sake and yet it was all a big mistake. Well, not mistake, but a learned misstep and now she looks back and knows her own way... I am the light that I wanted you to pave and now my joy is always.

Fat cheeks and a Plaid Dress

I hung upside down with Ernest standing next to me. I was about 5. Sean wasn't here and life was good. My existence as a young kid was interesting. It, being the prologue to short story after short story, were continued reminders that its all just experiences rolled up in what sometimes looks like shit... and other times looks like chocolate. My extended family was as important to my upbringing as the ones who got me here.

It was a good 18 years, although an emotional wreck, but eh, what has changed in the last 7. I still cry if I'm caught up in my own fantasies, I get raging angry if someone crosses me the wrong way, I find the simplest pleasures remarkable and exciting, and I still look at women like they have grown a second head. Only difference is as a kid, I took it too seriously. Now, I know that none of it matters. Childhood for me, is that place I'd like to run back to. I'd give anything to be on my Ernest's shoulders just once more or Pamela be the team mom for OPAA. It's like one day, "they" made all your choices and then, without real warning, Pam and Ernie said, "the hell with you little girl, fuck off". I kid. The fact is, is that my mom and dad became consultants in my life about 7 years ago, after that place where I affectionately called Pamela, Santa and Ernest, the Tooth Fairy.

A Quick Diddie

Girl meets boy at 5
Girl sees boy at 23
Boy is too young to know greatness
Girl is too impatient to show him
Girl dates a boy in each borough
Boy is too young to know to grow up
Girl loves boy, but can't live in a basement
Boy thinks girl is crazy
Boy and girl can't get enough of each other.......................
Girl spends life in mental institution

How Do My Thighs Look?

OH MY GOD... I am going on a date. I know, its not shocking because I do hang out with friends/boyfriends/x-boyfriends/dudes I don't care for/myself quite often, but the onset of things unseen is so exciting.

Actually, I haven't "thought" about it much, you know what that means... A FUN TIME HAD BY ALL! I just want to buy a cute dress. Janette said that I should wear the launch dress with flats. I look particularly dashing today with my pencil dress on, but do I want to throw my big ass at the dude so quickly, probably not. On the other hand, my breast show threw in almost everything I wear. And my thighs, forget it. My thighs have a life of their own. I actually have named them. Joe and Joaquin. Joe is a little more tolerant. A little stronger, but hurts more when the day is too long. Joaquin is looser, but I don't know how. He thinks he is slick because his leg is a little shorter than Joe so he can get away with rubbing against shit to create a little thing we women like to call.... THAT RUG BURN. Damn!

Well, the summer is almost over and tights are coming back and therefore, (because there is a God), I will have a little less black rub and little more tight ass, better known as Sonya.

I'm hoping the ass and thighs work together as a cohesive movement tomorrow, so we all enjoy our evening. Me, Sonya, Joaquin and Joe. I'll get back to you.

... and the courage to know the difference.

Does any of it really matter? Do we have all of the tools we need in life when we get here? Are these experiences just reminders of what we already know? As I watch the inevitable and vibrant love come from the loved ones that has experienced the spirit of their grandmother move away, the endless "stories" I tell myself came to a slow silence. I was struck by the sense of those still here banning together and saddened at the same time. The husband. The children. The ones that will continue on with their name and how none of that matters in the moment when you realize that this form she was in, isn't indicative of the spirit you loved.

I was moved to tears, but reminded, yet again, that I am. I was reminded of how life experiences are just that. No more, no less. As I drove home last night with joy in my being and tears down my face, I was moved by the presence that is in all of us. Its almost unexplainable. There are almost no words to describe the awe I feel when realizing that I am unchanged by outside forces. They actually used to call me Darth Vadar.

I just sat in a peaceful place. I am light, I am centered, I am.

Thanks, God... this acceptance thing feels easy today... 'preciate ya'!! - E.

Don't Tell Me What To Do...

I'm pissed.

• Sarah Palin gets affectionately called a "pit bull" and Michelle Obama is more or less characterized as a bitch, (i.e. The New Yorker cover and Fox News). What the fuck is wrong with this picture? How is it possible that because of the color of her skin she is seen as "strong" and could "run a country"? BULL SHIT! Fine, if she could do the job of 5 men and her hockey, mayoral, and Governor of Alaska experience makes her capable, all hale Queen Palin. But for fuck sake, Michelle Obama expressed passion and she is the second coming of how "they" saw Angela Davis. I am fuckin' furious. This whole bull shit idea that "our", (using the word "our" so fucking loosely, I'm calling it a whore), country is still marching on the fight for women's rights. Well at what point did that fight leave black women behind. Or was it ever with black women to begin with? When did we become so idealistic that our very existence is tied to the backs of a man or the woman behind the man or the black man that may or may not be a great movement for our country. McCain, who is either brilliant or more separated from the community we call America than I originally thought, seems so disconnected from what is happening that I'm confused what he stands for. I was at a focus group for Raeven, last night. It was fascinating to see the movement and shift that is evolving in our world, NOT JUST OUR NATION... stupid(s). It is so annoying taking the high road when the low road is yet to be paved?
• I parked my car in front of the school again on Tuesday. They wouldn't have towed me as it was the first week of school. When I got home {the super} one had moved my car. I assumed it was because of alternate sides. When I came outside this morning he all but, (as I saw it), reprimanded me for putting it there because it would have gotten towed again. Don't tell me what to fucking do? I am a grown ass woman. I know what the deal is. Well... maybe I don't. After all, it did get towed before, but don't tell me what to fucking do. I know my shit. I'm not a child! And that is when it hit me. I am a child. I went back to that little girl who always wanted to tell those folks off who "did her wrong" and "tell my mom off when she would question my EVERY move", but couldn't, because who wants to get their teeth knocked out. There is something there, but the minute someone of authority crosses me, I feel enraged.
• God, don't tell me what to do! I want to love. I want to be rich. I want to be a success. I want to live near my parents. I want to be married. I want to be a size 8... maybe a 10. I want to be the cool girl. But all the while, you keep telling me that I am in love with I and success is how you see it and you chose to move your ass, (ok so God wouldn't say that), and you will be married when you let it go, and you are a size 14, get over it, and you are a big dork, let that go too...

Funny enough, I do want someone to tell me what to do or at least push me in the right direction. O.k., o.k., that is God's job, but is it me or does He need a vaca!

By the way, I love my life! LMFAO...

P.S. I still haven't spoken to the one with out a home... homeless guy... I don't like that. His home is Brooklyn. What other name can we call him? I should find out what his name is... O.k. I am done!

Grateful

I am grateful today. I said to myself earlier... I said, "Self, what can you be grateful for today?" and then I said, "I can be grateful for this subway ride, because driving to the city is not the business." "I can be grateful for my parents because they are wicked supportive." There were others, but at the risk of sounding like I am the head of group meeting, I will end it there.

I just don't think it is necessary to be sad all ways. Some days? Yes. All ways? No. I decided that what I am grateful for today is being able to say no when I want to say no. I tend to say no, but don't want to disappoint folk and feel bad. I'm over that. In my life right now, I can be grateful, I can sit in a place of peace, but quite frankly, I am uneasy and have no idea why. For the first time yesterday, I accepted that. I am uneasy. I want change in life. (i know, i know that word is getting old thanks to Mr. Obama, but damit he did not right Webster, so shit if I aint usin' it.) I will not mention the sense that not only will he lead and put in good policy, but hold US all accountable, what an amazing orator that man is and his level of acceptance that all of this is far greater than him.

Do I feel upset all ways? No, but instead of searching Ima go 'head and chill out! In my path toward acceptance, I noticed my homeless man friend. He always speaks to me, but I don't speak back, not wanting him to say something more than just that... hello! I saw him by the 4/5. He was sleeping and in that moment I thought about the non-work it would be on my part to just say... hello! In fact, maybe saying hello would add another point to my gratitude list. It comes to me, that as a child, Ernest would say, "What if that man was Jesus?" Now as a child, well for me as a child, that was scary. "So what you are telling me, Ernest, is that, that man on the street with 4 layers of clothes on is Jesus Christ?" What does that do to a child? Quite frankly, it scared the ba-Jesus out of her. I kid! I am reminded of that, because like this man, he may want more and in those moments his desires may come in the form of a simple gesture.

I could list a few things that are not working and yet at this very moment all that matters is the enjoyment of the weekend cometh.

This too shall pass.

Pamela (the voice in my head reminding me that life just is not that serious)

A Power Greater Than Myself

{Stuck Up} one came over for dinner. I made fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, popped beans, corn bread... It was great. Not the cooking per say, although I enjoy it, is that sink full of pots after that is for the birds, but the company I kept. I saw him differently.

In actuality, I saw me differently. I saw me. I spent so much time wanting him to "show up", to show me all of him, and to be this different person, when what I was really craving was for me to show up. All of a sudden, I let the defenses down and it was like he was a walking mirror. And I could only see those issues that have been rearing their ugly head. "I don't trust him", is what I always say. I realized as I woke up with that quiet before the sun breaks feeling and saw my reflection so clearly. He says things like, "you are so beautiful" and "I think you're great". I can't even look him in the eye because I'm afraid he will see that its not that I don't trust him, it is that I don't believe him. And how can you trust someone on any level that you don't believe. Turns out, I don't believe it myself. Turns out, I may not trust the process, may not trust God. If you can't trust the one thing that is higher than you, than "man" is out of the question.

I've kept so many of {them} ones in arms length, {young} one, {jailed} one, {the one that wasn't} one. Desperately trying to get them to see me, get them to confirm that I exist, get them to tell me that I matter and I am enough. At some point, the whole lot of them were never going to fill a void that I perceive as not there. Its been there since I got here... hey that rhymed. Speaking of, I think I'm going to like that new Jay album. I feel like music is coming back.

I put so much emphasis on love and finding it. All along, I was searching for me, when funny, I AM right here. I am the God that I don't trust. Why is that? And that is when it dawned on me that there is nothing "to do", except, accept. Accept what is. I am pretty sure in the acceptance you see God. Because no matter what "man" does and he/she will always "do", there is that higher power that lends itself to hold you strong and true with or without the humanness that is in everyone.

Last night was fun. I laughed, kissed, and was completely in the moment. In those moments that linked together nicely, I realized I don't care about "stuff" that much. I think things only because it fills those silly voids to "want", but doesn't really fill you up. It's kinda like Chinese food. Chinese food is yummy, but you can have a whole vat of shrimp fried, boneless spare, and a shrimp roll and in an hour you are hungry again.

Pashmina

I am such a girl. It is that place in between seasons where change is near. It is such a beautiful time, because you have that thought of something new and fun brewing. I quite enjoy it, but I love the summer so that sadness of "where does the time go?" is also upon me. I want to whisk away to Florida for 2 weeks. I'd like to spend a few days at UCF with Sean. I'd like a day or two with Gloria as she is not getting any younger and at my age and my state of mind, I could use a little guidance.

Remember when the summer lasted too long... all of a sudden the wind changed and scarf became necessary. I got my hair done yesterday and to feel the wind in freshly done hair makes your back arch a bit and gives a little pep in your step. Today, the pep was confused by a frontal wedgie because of these pants that are now not fitting like they used to. DON'T JUDGE ME... I'm working on it!

I can be vibrant. In fact, my very being is always vibrating if that makes sense. Not in the dirty sense, although one of my friends tried a bullet and I am considering getting one. Where would you get that kind of thing? I am referring to that feeling when at your very core you are colorful, full of life, and peace. That is what the seasons tend to do to me. I am peace, not on an everyday basis, but my very being.

There is so much going on, the business, the men, the friends, and the work. I just remind myself that all of the "stuff" that the experience brings you is only a reflection of what God/your higher power has granted you long before this note!

Surprise... You are still not in control

Without going into too much detail... I am f'ing hilarious. {Stuck up} one and I went to dinner and walked around Park Slope on Sunday. It was fun, but I wanted it to mean something. Dating is funny, in that, I'm never sure what to expect, yet set expectations on the other person. For example, I'll go out with a guy and decide in my head after 5-minutes whether my name in fact will look good with his last. Mrs. Hopkins... ew. Then I would be the {young} ones mother and who needs that. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love her, but OMG... sorry... this is a tangent I am going to end. I spoke to the {young} one this weekend, as it was his birthday. I wanted to see him. I wanted to give him a big hug and say... lets be friends, but in actuality, I don't care either way whether we are cool or not, as that shipped has split in half and the other fish in the sea are trying to eat me alive. He was always a good dude though and could kiss.................................... loved that! I digress.

I wish I could grow him up and have him see that my way, IS IN FACT, the only way. Funny... my way is all I know and yet, it isn't quite working like I wanted it to. What do you do about that ladies and gents? No... really... what do I do? I try to put a lot of my energy into B&B, thinking this will pay off and I will have, , ALL THE ANSWERS I'VE EVER NEEDED! Not so fast, no money is being added to the pot and I am getting so tired of "no's".

I sat an watched like a zombie, them announce that Biden was the other half of this "winning" pair. I can't!! I am a Barack supporter. I really am. In fact, I called it last March. He is smart and an affective leader, but damn it, if I'm not completely over this whole process. Recently, I wondered if he was crooked and I was just an idiot that fell into the "he's black therefore I-must-vote-Barack". I actually agree with what he stands for and get the silly suspicion he actually might do something worth standing up and clapping about. With all this in mind, who the fuck cares? How did we as a people get to a place where we put all our eggs in the political basket. These people are humans like us. Liars, story tellers, lovers, haters, cheaters, wives, husbands... Can we stop treating them like they have the secret key and we can't find our 'whole'? It is getting annoying. I get that we need leadership. In fact, I wish there was more localized version of it within our communities, but "be the change you want to see in the world". Is any of this ringing any bells?

In case you weren't counting, that is no man, no sex, crazy job, egoic leadership, weird x-boyfriends, and partridge. On top of everything else, I thought why not get crazy and lose 40 lbs. I decided to cut out some carbs. No man, no sex, crazy job, egoic leadership, weird x-boyfriends, no carbs, and that partridge. I haven't had Edy's Chocolate Ice Cream in over a week. {Stuck up} one tried to shove it down my throat yesterday and in my head I thought, "this nicca is tryin' to get me fat, barefoot and pregnant". "Stupid turd"!! Go fatten' someone else up.... I am trying to control my life here... FREAK!

Speaking of {Stuck Up}, it was nice hanging with him. I still can't figure him out or what his agenda is, but I'm going with it. You see how I regurgitated ridiculousness. "FIGURE HIM OUT" and "WHAT HIS AGENDA IS"... control yourself, woman... or stop trying all together.

Look Mommy No Hands

There was a little girl on the 4/5 today. It was her, the nanny, and twin brother, that came on from the Borough Hall stop. She was adorable. She had "Moby Dick" in her hand. Not it literally, but you know kids these days are either not applying themselves or should be called "The Brain". I was always a fan of Nickelodeon. Being a kid is wonderful. And I'm essentially a taller version of that little girl who used to run in the rain and try to stay up late for Quantum Leap.

Being a child at heart keeps you present. The little girl on the train did not miss a step before she grabbed on to a pole in the middle of the fairly empty car and continued to read her novel. She was completely fearless. But it was because she didn't see the world. She embraced her surroundings and continued on with the experience. That space brought a smile. Fearlessness. Ernest used to say, "You are the chosen one". I believed him. I thought I was Neo. I assumed that I was God. Call it blasphemy, but I knew greatness was me. That kid reminded me of that place of no expectations, just chillin'. I loved it. For a minute, I didn't think about it. It... ain't shit... get it! WEEZY F BABY!

Maria is scared of heights, I'm scared of love, Janette doesn't recognize her gifts, Tabitha demands her voice to be heard, and Diane doesn't want anyone to quiet her voice and Noelani, Noa doesn't want to be controlled, but long ago we all lived in that place where we reached out of the car window and felt the wind on our hands. In that moment, all that mattered, was nothing at all.

Grow

At some point I wasn't 18 years old. I don't remember when it occurred. I was in high school, then in college, then I woke up and was arguing with the Marshal's Office in Bushwick, Brooklyn about why they shouldn't have my fucking car because its against the law to steal, "you evil turd". I didn't say that last part, because I would never be so rude, but boy was i thinkin' it!

Growing up is fun. I have a beautiful apartment. It still, after 2 years, takes my breath away . I enjoy La La Gold, she gets me from point A to point B, yes with noises attached and switch in her movement, but don't we all get to our next destination with a little grievance. I enjoy growing, but don't remember doing it, but can look back and tell you what I've learned on the way. I sat and bantered with Pam about blogging. She is old-school, you see. She is from the black family that, "never lets you see 'them' cry" and "suck it up" and "this too shall pass" and "don't put all your shit in the street, it'll stink" era. I get it and considered taking it down, especially when I clicked to the "next" blog and saw a penis. I got flustered that it was not mine and should not be seeing this. The way you do when you come across a "dirty" movie and become indignant and embarrassed as if at this point we have not all at least touched one. I digress.

Growing is fun. I say, FUN, because my stories have become tails you should tell your children. Growing has become what I would like to detest the most, what we also call, experience. And experience is why we are here. I trust one day I will stop fighting these waves and float. All along God is somewhere in the shadows laughing at the joys, (that I sometimes call pain) of living.

People Pleasing

Ok, this is funny. I have spent most of my life consumed on what people think of me. This happens above and beyond my feeling of me. I am great with me, because remember I am. So I get on the elevator to take a peek of {what could he do with those lips} one on the 9th. And I get on the elevator going back to the 7th. "Damn"... someone is in the elevator going to the 1st and I think, "Oh, I feel bad that I have to go to the 7th" and stop the process of doing what that person needs. I know, its sillly, but follow me here.

It's weird to split the doing ideals... "HUMAN" and "BEING". The being doesn't really matter what you do, how you do it, or who you do it with. It becomes more about living and more than that, that you are the life in the living. I won't get too deep, as it makes me think and that is what I am getting away from, but you understand. The human is the one that just said that last part.

I told a friend today that my favorite animal is the bird. Even starting my own business, it is only so I don't have to sit in a box. Its really so I can sleep 'til 11:00 A.M. and go out of town on a Tuesday without having to fill in a vacation form. Can you guess why? Because its whole purpose is to fly and be.

peanut days

You ever have those days where you are not anything... not happy, nor sad, not upset or bothered... just. That is me today. I am having a peanut day. I actually haven't figured out the correlation, but there is one there... I promise. I feel like I'm in a "non-thinking" place. Which is so great to me. It's interesting "thinking". It is the same record over and over, but with no solution.

I had a business meeting last night. I love that feeling right before movement starts in the morning, where all you hear is wind and a few birds. I love that. For a moment, you can ignore the pink elephant in the room that you should be dealing with and sit and ponder whether you can afford to buy a ticket to see your parents and whether you should in fact get up and go for a run this morning because you won't feel up to it after that event and whether I care that much that {other color} one did not call me back. I don't and its not personal, I'll go for a run when I go for a run, I'll see Pam and Ernest sooner or later, and that issue... I think too much, remember, it probably isn't really an "issue" to begin with.

I'm off to a fashion event at Home this evening. I have no expectations, because I haven't thought about it. This usually equals fun. Janette is rolling with me. I enjoy her. She is not quite Noelani, but that one friend you can tell ANYTHING to... I could tell her I killed the {young} one in a fit of rage after he refused to validate my feelings and she would say... I have a place in Bed Stuy we could bury the body. I just finished my last peanut. I'm currently working on that baby weight. Damn that last trimester.

He's cumming for her...

Is it weird that Noelani is looking for honeymoon destinations? Yes. But it isn't weird for the reasons you are thinking. Not because she has only been dating for 6 months and 2 weeks... oh no! But because it was suppose to be me first. I don't know why and I know it is selfish, but if I become that girl that has to put another fucking smile on her face because yet another bitch ass has found love, I'm going to puke. Ok... I'm done!

I am happy for Noa... I really am! {I am too cool for school} one is good for her. He is her equal. Actually, as I type this madness, I realize that it really doesn't matter. That in the end, we all find love. But can I tell you, I have had that, "I kissed a girl and i liked it" song in my head for over a month. I have this fear that I'll hum it on the 4/5 and "THE ONE" will hear me and think I'm gay and get off at Atlantic and I won't be able to explain... sorry... I'm done!

{I am too cool for school} is a great guy. I hope they live happily fucking ever after. I really do. In fact, I'm sure of it. At this point my gratitude list for tonight is that I have a business that is making no money and forces me to be around my business partner 24/7. Can I get someone to cum for me?

I'm not confused, but...

... last time I had a kiss

IT COMES IN WAVES... So at this point I am going to stay positive. I'm irritated, yes! I'm confused, yes! I'm lonely/horny, yes!, but I am not down nor out. Why is that I feel the need to run? I told Diane that I wanted to move out of New York. I do too. The idea of living in a city that refuses to revolve itself around my needs is bizarre. I think I irritated Janette. She will get over it! Noelani is in love and it is annoying me. Lauren is married and living blissfully. I still think something is off, but... I mean I get it... fine... love... It's sweet. But can you consider my feelings before you go off and meet your life partner, its upsetting my being.

This city is interesting in that I am having an affair with Brooklyn. It annoys me. I walk all over it. The seasons change as fast as my pre menstrual syndrome seems to and yet doesn't quite give me the motivation in life I crave. I have read in all the "self-help" books Pam continues to force down my throat, that the real motivation in life... real living comes from within. I get it... Ok, live and let live. "Be the change you want to see in the world"... thanks, Ghandi, but can a girl get someone who desires her. Can the change begin at this job? My co-workers are starting to stare and ask the "is everything ok, Ebonni?" UUURRGGG. I want to say, "No, I have managed to gain post-baby "like" weight with no child, I get paid to put out mountain fires, and I don't remember the last time I had a kiss... well it was Saturday, but clearly made my stomach turn, because I can't recollect butterflies.

The {young one} text me last night... shooting the breeze after he road off into the sunset for the 1,348th time a few weeks ago. I'm not it... you are not it... lets move on. Why are we doing this to each other? Because it's comfortable, and it always feels good during, but the after affects are a bitch. The {stuck up} one wants to get married, but can't seem to figure out what makes me tick and I'm not sure I would benefit his world. There are others and they all have names. Maybe that is the problem. I should stop with the labels.

So at the end of the day... maybe I need to BE "friendly with the present moment". I will. I am. I will be. But dammit if I'm not tired and confused.