Grateful

I am grateful today. I said to myself earlier... I said, "Self, what can you be grateful for today?" and then I said, "I can be grateful for this subway ride, because driving to the city is not the business." "I can be grateful for my parents because they are wicked supportive." There were others, but at the risk of sounding like I am the head of group meeting, I will end it there.

I just don't think it is necessary to be sad all ways. Some days? Yes. All ways? No. I decided that what I am grateful for today is being able to say no when I want to say no. I tend to say no, but don't want to disappoint folk and feel bad. I'm over that. In my life right now, I can be grateful, I can sit in a place of peace, but quite frankly, I am uneasy and have no idea why. For the first time yesterday, I accepted that. I am uneasy. I want change in life. (i know, i know that word is getting old thanks to Mr. Obama, but damit he did not right Webster, so shit if I aint usin' it.) I will not mention the sense that not only will he lead and put in good policy, but hold US all accountable, what an amazing orator that man is and his level of acceptance that all of this is far greater than him.

Do I feel upset all ways? No, but instead of searching Ima go 'head and chill out! In my path toward acceptance, I noticed my homeless man friend. He always speaks to me, but I don't speak back, not wanting him to say something more than just that... hello! I saw him by the 4/5. He was sleeping and in that moment I thought about the non-work it would be on my part to just say... hello! In fact, maybe saying hello would add another point to my gratitude list. It comes to me, that as a child, Ernest would say, "What if that man was Jesus?" Now as a child, well for me as a child, that was scary. "So what you are telling me, Ernest, is that, that man on the street with 4 layers of clothes on is Jesus Christ?" What does that do to a child? Quite frankly, it scared the ba-Jesus out of her. I kid! I am reminded of that, because like this man, he may want more and in those moments his desires may come in the form of a simple gesture.

I could list a few things that are not working and yet at this very moment all that matters is the enjoyment of the weekend cometh.

This too shall pass.

Pamela (the voice in my head reminding me that life just is not that serious)

A Power Greater Than Myself

{Stuck Up} one came over for dinner. I made fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, popped beans, corn bread... It was great. Not the cooking per say, although I enjoy it, is that sink full of pots after that is for the birds, but the company I kept. I saw him differently.

In actuality, I saw me differently. I saw me. I spent so much time wanting him to "show up", to show me all of him, and to be this different person, when what I was really craving was for me to show up. All of a sudden, I let the defenses down and it was like he was a walking mirror. And I could only see those issues that have been rearing their ugly head. "I don't trust him", is what I always say. I realized as I woke up with that quiet before the sun breaks feeling and saw my reflection so clearly. He says things like, "you are so beautiful" and "I think you're great". I can't even look him in the eye because I'm afraid he will see that its not that I don't trust him, it is that I don't believe him. And how can you trust someone on any level that you don't believe. Turns out, I don't believe it myself. Turns out, I may not trust the process, may not trust God. If you can't trust the one thing that is higher than you, than "man" is out of the question.

I've kept so many of {them} ones in arms length, {young} one, {jailed} one, {the one that wasn't} one. Desperately trying to get them to see me, get them to confirm that I exist, get them to tell me that I matter and I am enough. At some point, the whole lot of them were never going to fill a void that I perceive as not there. Its been there since I got here... hey that rhymed. Speaking of, I think I'm going to like that new Jay album. I feel like music is coming back.

I put so much emphasis on love and finding it. All along, I was searching for me, when funny, I AM right here. I am the God that I don't trust. Why is that? And that is when it dawned on me that there is nothing "to do", except, accept. Accept what is. I am pretty sure in the acceptance you see God. Because no matter what "man" does and he/she will always "do", there is that higher power that lends itself to hold you strong and true with or without the humanness that is in everyone.

Last night was fun. I laughed, kissed, and was completely in the moment. In those moments that linked together nicely, I realized I don't care about "stuff" that much. I think things only because it fills those silly voids to "want", but doesn't really fill you up. It's kinda like Chinese food. Chinese food is yummy, but you can have a whole vat of shrimp fried, boneless spare, and a shrimp roll and in an hour you are hungry again.

Pashmina

I am such a girl. It is that place in between seasons where change is near. It is such a beautiful time, because you have that thought of something new and fun brewing. I quite enjoy it, but I love the summer so that sadness of "where does the time go?" is also upon me. I want to whisk away to Florida for 2 weeks. I'd like to spend a few days at UCF with Sean. I'd like a day or two with Gloria as she is not getting any younger and at my age and my state of mind, I could use a little guidance.

Remember when the summer lasted too long... all of a sudden the wind changed and scarf became necessary. I got my hair done yesterday and to feel the wind in freshly done hair makes your back arch a bit and gives a little pep in your step. Today, the pep was confused by a frontal wedgie because of these pants that are now not fitting like they used to. DON'T JUDGE ME... I'm working on it!

I can be vibrant. In fact, my very being is always vibrating if that makes sense. Not in the dirty sense, although one of my friends tried a bullet and I am considering getting one. Where would you get that kind of thing? I am referring to that feeling when at your very core you are colorful, full of life, and peace. That is what the seasons tend to do to me. I am peace, not on an everyday basis, but my very being.

There is so much going on, the business, the men, the friends, and the work. I just remind myself that all of the "stuff" that the experience brings you is only a reflection of what God/your higher power has granted you long before this note!

Surprise... You are still not in control

Without going into too much detail... I am f'ing hilarious. {Stuck up} one and I went to dinner and walked around Park Slope on Sunday. It was fun, but I wanted it to mean something. Dating is funny, in that, I'm never sure what to expect, yet set expectations on the other person. For example, I'll go out with a guy and decide in my head after 5-minutes whether my name in fact will look good with his last. Mrs. Hopkins... ew. Then I would be the {young} ones mother and who needs that. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love her, but OMG... sorry... this is a tangent I am going to end. I spoke to the {young} one this weekend, as it was his birthday. I wanted to see him. I wanted to give him a big hug and say... lets be friends, but in actuality, I don't care either way whether we are cool or not, as that shipped has split in half and the other fish in the sea are trying to eat me alive. He was always a good dude though and could kiss.................................... loved that! I digress.

I wish I could grow him up and have him see that my way, IS IN FACT, the only way. Funny... my way is all I know and yet, it isn't quite working like I wanted it to. What do you do about that ladies and gents? No... really... what do I do? I try to put a lot of my energy into B&B, thinking this will pay off and I will have, , ALL THE ANSWERS I'VE EVER NEEDED! Not so fast, no money is being added to the pot and I am getting so tired of "no's".

I sat an watched like a zombie, them announce that Biden was the other half of this "winning" pair. I can't!! I am a Barack supporter. I really am. In fact, I called it last March. He is smart and an affective leader, but damn it, if I'm not completely over this whole process. Recently, I wondered if he was crooked and I was just an idiot that fell into the "he's black therefore I-must-vote-Barack". I actually agree with what he stands for and get the silly suspicion he actually might do something worth standing up and clapping about. With all this in mind, who the fuck cares? How did we as a people get to a place where we put all our eggs in the political basket. These people are humans like us. Liars, story tellers, lovers, haters, cheaters, wives, husbands... Can we stop treating them like they have the secret key and we can't find our 'whole'? It is getting annoying. I get that we need leadership. In fact, I wish there was more localized version of it within our communities, but "be the change you want to see in the world". Is any of this ringing any bells?

In case you weren't counting, that is no man, no sex, crazy job, egoic leadership, weird x-boyfriends, and partridge. On top of everything else, I thought why not get crazy and lose 40 lbs. I decided to cut out some carbs. No man, no sex, crazy job, egoic leadership, weird x-boyfriends, no carbs, and that partridge. I haven't had Edy's Chocolate Ice Cream in over a week. {Stuck up} one tried to shove it down my throat yesterday and in my head I thought, "this nicca is tryin' to get me fat, barefoot and pregnant". "Stupid turd"!! Go fatten' someone else up.... I am trying to control my life here... FREAK!

Speaking of {Stuck Up}, it was nice hanging with him. I still can't figure him out or what his agenda is, but I'm going with it. You see how I regurgitated ridiculousness. "FIGURE HIM OUT" and "WHAT HIS AGENDA IS"... control yourself, woman... or stop trying all together.

Look Mommy No Hands

There was a little girl on the 4/5 today. It was her, the nanny, and twin brother, that came on from the Borough Hall stop. She was adorable. She had "Moby Dick" in her hand. Not it literally, but you know kids these days are either not applying themselves or should be called "The Brain". I was always a fan of Nickelodeon. Being a kid is wonderful. And I'm essentially a taller version of that little girl who used to run in the rain and try to stay up late for Quantum Leap.

Being a child at heart keeps you present. The little girl on the train did not miss a step before she grabbed on to a pole in the middle of the fairly empty car and continued to read her novel. She was completely fearless. But it was because she didn't see the world. She embraced her surroundings and continued on with the experience. That space brought a smile. Fearlessness. Ernest used to say, "You are the chosen one". I believed him. I thought I was Neo. I assumed that I was God. Call it blasphemy, but I knew greatness was me. That kid reminded me of that place of no expectations, just chillin'. I loved it. For a minute, I didn't think about it. It... ain't shit... get it! WEEZY F BABY!

Maria is scared of heights, I'm scared of love, Janette doesn't recognize her gifts, Tabitha demands her voice to be heard, and Diane doesn't want anyone to quiet her voice and Noelani, Noa doesn't want to be controlled, but long ago we all lived in that place where we reached out of the car window and felt the wind on our hands. In that moment, all that mattered, was nothing at all.

Grow

At some point I wasn't 18 years old. I don't remember when it occurred. I was in high school, then in college, then I woke up and was arguing with the Marshal's Office in Bushwick, Brooklyn about why they shouldn't have my fucking car because its against the law to steal, "you evil turd". I didn't say that last part, because I would never be so rude, but boy was i thinkin' it!

Growing up is fun. I have a beautiful apartment. It still, after 2 years, takes my breath away . I enjoy La La Gold, she gets me from point A to point B, yes with noises attached and switch in her movement, but don't we all get to our next destination with a little grievance. I enjoy growing, but don't remember doing it, but can look back and tell you what I've learned on the way. I sat and bantered with Pam about blogging. She is old-school, you see. She is from the black family that, "never lets you see 'them' cry" and "suck it up" and "this too shall pass" and "don't put all your shit in the street, it'll stink" era. I get it and considered taking it down, especially when I clicked to the "next" blog and saw a penis. I got flustered that it was not mine and should not be seeing this. The way you do when you come across a "dirty" movie and become indignant and embarrassed as if at this point we have not all at least touched one. I digress.

Growing is fun. I say, FUN, because my stories have become tails you should tell your children. Growing has become what I would like to detest the most, what we also call, experience. And experience is why we are here. I trust one day I will stop fighting these waves and float. All along God is somewhere in the shadows laughing at the joys, (that I sometimes call pain) of living.

People Pleasing

Ok, this is funny. I have spent most of my life consumed on what people think of me. This happens above and beyond my feeling of me. I am great with me, because remember I am. So I get on the elevator to take a peek of {what could he do with those lips} one on the 9th. And I get on the elevator going back to the 7th. "Damn"... someone is in the elevator going to the 1st and I think, "Oh, I feel bad that I have to go to the 7th" and stop the process of doing what that person needs. I know, its sillly, but follow me here.

It's weird to split the doing ideals... "HUMAN" and "BEING". The being doesn't really matter what you do, how you do it, or who you do it with. It becomes more about living and more than that, that you are the life in the living. I won't get too deep, as it makes me think and that is what I am getting away from, but you understand. The human is the one that just said that last part.

I told a friend today that my favorite animal is the bird. Even starting my own business, it is only so I don't have to sit in a box. Its really so I can sleep 'til 11:00 A.M. and go out of town on a Tuesday without having to fill in a vacation form. Can you guess why? Because its whole purpose is to fly and be.

peanut days

You ever have those days where you are not anything... not happy, nor sad, not upset or bothered... just. That is me today. I am having a peanut day. I actually haven't figured out the correlation, but there is one there... I promise. I feel like I'm in a "non-thinking" place. Which is so great to me. It's interesting "thinking". It is the same record over and over, but with no solution.

I had a business meeting last night. I love that feeling right before movement starts in the morning, where all you hear is wind and a few birds. I love that. For a moment, you can ignore the pink elephant in the room that you should be dealing with and sit and ponder whether you can afford to buy a ticket to see your parents and whether you should in fact get up and go for a run this morning because you won't feel up to it after that event and whether I care that much that {other color} one did not call me back. I don't and its not personal, I'll go for a run when I go for a run, I'll see Pam and Ernest sooner or later, and that issue... I think too much, remember, it probably isn't really an "issue" to begin with.

I'm off to a fashion event at Home this evening. I have no expectations, because I haven't thought about it. This usually equals fun. Janette is rolling with me. I enjoy her. She is not quite Noelani, but that one friend you can tell ANYTHING to... I could tell her I killed the {young} one in a fit of rage after he refused to validate my feelings and she would say... I have a place in Bed Stuy we could bury the body. I just finished my last peanut. I'm currently working on that baby weight. Damn that last trimester.

He's cumming for her...

Is it weird that Noelani is looking for honeymoon destinations? Yes. But it isn't weird for the reasons you are thinking. Not because she has only been dating for 6 months and 2 weeks... oh no! But because it was suppose to be me first. I don't know why and I know it is selfish, but if I become that girl that has to put another fucking smile on her face because yet another bitch ass has found love, I'm going to puke. Ok... I'm done!

I am happy for Noa... I really am! {I am too cool for school} one is good for her. He is her equal. Actually, as I type this madness, I realize that it really doesn't matter. That in the end, we all find love. But can I tell you, I have had that, "I kissed a girl and i liked it" song in my head for over a month. I have this fear that I'll hum it on the 4/5 and "THE ONE" will hear me and think I'm gay and get off at Atlantic and I won't be able to explain... sorry... I'm done!

{I am too cool for school} is a great guy. I hope they live happily fucking ever after. I really do. In fact, I'm sure of it. At this point my gratitude list for tonight is that I have a business that is making no money and forces me to be around my business partner 24/7. Can I get someone to cum for me?

I'm not confused, but...

... last time I had a kiss

IT COMES IN WAVES... So at this point I am going to stay positive. I'm irritated, yes! I'm confused, yes! I'm lonely/horny, yes!, but I am not down nor out. Why is that I feel the need to run? I told Diane that I wanted to move out of New York. I do too. The idea of living in a city that refuses to revolve itself around my needs is bizarre. I think I irritated Janette. She will get over it! Noelani is in love and it is annoying me. Lauren is married and living blissfully. I still think something is off, but... I mean I get it... fine... love... It's sweet. But can you consider my feelings before you go off and meet your life partner, its upsetting my being.

This city is interesting in that I am having an affair with Brooklyn. It annoys me. I walk all over it. The seasons change as fast as my pre menstrual syndrome seems to and yet doesn't quite give me the motivation in life I crave. I have read in all the "self-help" books Pam continues to force down my throat, that the real motivation in life... real living comes from within. I get it... Ok, live and let live. "Be the change you want to see in the world"... thanks, Ghandi, but can a girl get someone who desires her. Can the change begin at this job? My co-workers are starting to stare and ask the "is everything ok, Ebonni?" UUURRGGG. I want to say, "No, I have managed to gain post-baby "like" weight with no child, I get paid to put out mountain fires, and I don't remember the last time I had a kiss... well it was Saturday, but clearly made my stomach turn, because I can't recollect butterflies.

The {young one} text me last night... shooting the breeze after he road off into the sunset for the 1,348th time a few weeks ago. I'm not it... you are not it... lets move on. Why are we doing this to each other? Because it's comfortable, and it always feels good during, but the after affects are a bitch. The {stuck up} one wants to get married, but can't seem to figure out what makes me tick and I'm not sure I would benefit his world. There are others and they all have names. Maybe that is the problem. I should stop with the labels.

So at the end of the day... maybe I need to BE "friendly with the present moment". I will. I am. I will be. But dammit if I'm not tired and confused.