A Power Greater Than Myself

{Stuck Up} one came over for dinner. I made fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, popped beans, corn bread... It was great. Not the cooking per say, although I enjoy it, is that sink full of pots after that is for the birds, but the company I kept. I saw him differently.

In actuality, I saw me differently. I saw me. I spent so much time wanting him to "show up", to show me all of him, and to be this different person, when what I was really craving was for me to show up. All of a sudden, I let the defenses down and it was like he was a walking mirror. And I could only see those issues that have been rearing their ugly head. "I don't trust him", is what I always say. I realized as I woke up with that quiet before the sun breaks feeling and saw my reflection so clearly. He says things like, "you are so beautiful" and "I think you're great". I can't even look him in the eye because I'm afraid he will see that its not that I don't trust him, it is that I don't believe him. And how can you trust someone on any level that you don't believe. Turns out, I don't believe it myself. Turns out, I may not trust the process, may not trust God. If you can't trust the one thing that is higher than you, than "man" is out of the question.

I've kept so many of {them} ones in arms length, {young} one, {jailed} one, {the one that wasn't} one. Desperately trying to get them to see me, get them to confirm that I exist, get them to tell me that I matter and I am enough. At some point, the whole lot of them were never going to fill a void that I perceive as not there. Its been there since I got here... hey that rhymed. Speaking of, I think I'm going to like that new Jay album. I feel like music is coming back.

I put so much emphasis on love and finding it. All along, I was searching for me, when funny, I AM right here. I am the God that I don't trust. Why is that? And that is when it dawned on me that there is nothing "to do", except, accept. Accept what is. I am pretty sure in the acceptance you see God. Because no matter what "man" does and he/she will always "do", there is that higher power that lends itself to hold you strong and true with or without the humanness that is in everyone.

Last night was fun. I laughed, kissed, and was completely in the moment. In those moments that linked together nicely, I realized I don't care about "stuff" that much. I think things only because it fills those silly voids to "want", but doesn't really fill you up. It's kinda like Chinese food. Chinese food is yummy, but you can have a whole vat of shrimp fried, boneless spare, and a shrimp roll and in an hour you are hungry again.