... last time I had a kiss

IT COMES IN WAVES... So at this point I am going to stay positive. I'm irritated, yes! I'm confused, yes! I'm lonely/horny, yes!, but I am not down nor out. Why is that I feel the need to run? I told Diane that I wanted to move out of New York. I do too. The idea of living in a city that refuses to revolve itself around my needs is bizarre. I think I irritated Janette. She will get over it! Noelani is in love and it is annoying me. Lauren is married and living blissfully. I still think something is off, but... I mean I get it... fine... love... It's sweet. But can you consider my feelings before you go off and meet your life partner, its upsetting my being.

This city is interesting in that I am having an affair with Brooklyn. It annoys me. I walk all over it. The seasons change as fast as my pre menstrual syndrome seems to and yet doesn't quite give me the motivation in life I crave. I have read in all the "self-help" books Pam continues to force down my throat, that the real motivation in life... real living comes from within. I get it... Ok, live and let live. "Be the change you want to see in the world"... thanks, Ghandi, but can a girl get someone who desires her. Can the change begin at this job? My co-workers are starting to stare and ask the "is everything ok, Ebonni?" UUURRGGG. I want to say, "No, I have managed to gain post-baby "like" weight with no child, I get paid to put out mountain fires, and I don't remember the last time I had a kiss... well it was Saturday, but clearly made my stomach turn, because I can't recollect butterflies.

The {young one} text me last night... shooting the breeze after he road off into the sunset for the 1,348th time a few weeks ago. I'm not it... you are not it... lets move on. Why are we doing this to each other? Because it's comfortable, and it always feels good during, but the after affects are a bitch. The {stuck up} one wants to get married, but can't seem to figure out what makes me tick and I'm not sure I would benefit his world. There are others and they all have names. Maybe that is the problem. I should stop with the labels.

So at the end of the day... maybe I need to BE "friendly with the present moment". I will. I am. I will be. But dammit if I'm not tired and confused.