At the beginning

"If he puts his hands on you, Ebonni, you ensure he eats your dust." My mother would say that as a child. It was never even something I talked about. I didn't know anyone who had been in an abusive relationship. My mom was never one to be messed with and my dad aloud for a voice to be heard. He'd let me push the envelope with him. As he justified it, you won't ever let a man cross you if I let you test me. It was never a question. The men in my life have been amazing, kind, loving, true, and real, not because I am different from the next woman, but because that is the universe I created within myself.

We are but a producer in the play called our life. I guess I just wonder how we manage to get on the stage or think we are the director. My ego gets fired up when I hear people discuss one dimensional conversations about everything under the sun. These topics become laconic, silly, trite, and understated even at the expense of us all needing to put in our "two cents".

I wish that we can get to a blank canvas. My hope is to see us really get out of the way of a higher power, smile at our egos, and see what life really brings.

I say all of this to say, how are we having yet another conversation about domestic violence? Why are we not getting to the route of it? When we manage to do so, on few occasions, we see the other person as "bad" and the accused as the "victim".

What must he have seen in his life? What insane insecurities must wreck him? How he must not realize that he is in fact an adult and can not use his ego as a way to move through his existence? The pain of one that only sees his own flesh and not the spirit of a living God. I don't want to play the "God" card, but wow are we not given experiences to really have a conversation about relationships and life and yet we seem to dumb it down to something trite and typical.

What does it feel like to be alone? What kind of pressure am I under? Will I ever know love? Am I good enough to be with him? At my core, do I see God? Do I know God? Do I see myself as a sum of my experiences as oppose to whole at the beginning and just on a fun ride?

I begin this conversation, because I wish to see us discuss a broader picture of relationships, of life, of a will to love fully, to enjoy what is at our feet.

To see images or hear stories of abuse breaks at your core. I understand it. Pam used to say, "you are always for the non-victim". I don't think we should use that word. No one is a victim. Both parties are too deep in their own egos, focused on the past, and fear of the future to realize that what truly matters in life they possess. I won't be the next person to be angry with the man or the woman that feels it necessary to blame the abuser. It is a hard road to be on and I know pointing fingers is easy, but my heart brakes not only for her, but for him.

Lets discuss why we take the pains of our childhood to adult. Lets be the group that speaks on true love. How would it feel to weep for the man that hit along with the one he put his hands on. I feel as if it is time to stop with laconic conversations and taking sides and labeling a thing bad or good and see how we can all tap into whatever our truest self is. We must be the change. We have to use the tools to see the glass as half full.

What can we do today to ensure we welcome our destined relationships with open arms?